“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
no cat here
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.