a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.