MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
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My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Never ghost your hitman.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.