Happy Taco Tuesday
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know