I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
is it earth
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.