When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.