Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.