Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
channeling her this year
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”