If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.