(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
You Might Also Like
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.