[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Running from your problems is cardio .
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms