People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie