I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.