i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Fight
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?