Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You Might Also Like
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The devil.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
181.