The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You Might Also Like
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m putting together a team
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m too immature for adultery.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!