Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
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Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.