time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You Might Also Like
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.