Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I feel it
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.