Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The Compass
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor