A classic…
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Found the job I’m suited for
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur