My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve