Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.