Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
welp
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Very problematic
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.