Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.