A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
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Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.