GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Probably my best painting.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Baking is just science you can eat.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.