Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.