Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.