I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.