My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*puts words between two asterisks*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.