What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING