“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.