me when i see my girls butt
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.