Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van