Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
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I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Lmao
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
…żyje?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”