I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
You Might Also Like
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.