Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
You Might Also Like
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Saw online –