Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*aggressively waits in line*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*