Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I can also cook 😂
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.