Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad