Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.