My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow