Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
meow
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.