*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY