Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
who wore it better?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
What flavor cupcake are these
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
opening twitter today
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case