Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
spicy snake
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter