I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no