Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Yeah. This was me today.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Scream sneezers need love too.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t