*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Sticker placement is key.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.